why didn't you poke me back
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I wear drunk well.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
