I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Randomize
