You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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