my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
