YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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