Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
