Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
