omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
