in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I need moral support for this bender
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
