I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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