my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
