Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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