Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
