Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
