Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
