i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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