Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
