I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
