I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
This is classic penis vs brain.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
