do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
