My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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