I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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