there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize