they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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