A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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