i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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