I hope my margaritas pass through security.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
