I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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