I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
