everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
