The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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