At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
