What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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