If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I am available for nakedness
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize