So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
