Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
