i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
