This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
