i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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