his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
