AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
