you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
