I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
