I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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