I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
