just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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