I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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