Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The beer is more important than you right now.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
