I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
