I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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