did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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