He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
