I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
