Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
