You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
