dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
