I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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