i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
