I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
