Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
